By Arnold Ageta
Cases of violence against women are frequently reported in our communities here in Africa and the world at large. This has led to the enactment of laws to protect women.
The bitter truth is that men also experience gender-based violence in society, but they have remained silent.
At the Kisii Cathedral church in Kisii County, women who are victims of gender-based violence are attending gender-based violence sensitization sessions led by experts. The Kisii region has recorded the highest number of gender-based violence cases in Kenya.
Ken Ombati, not his real name, is the only man who has agreed to talk about his experiences with his wife. Married with two children, Ombati has been a victim of gender-based violence for six years.
“I have been going through several problems at home, especially with my wife,” Ombati said, with tears in his eyes. “When I come back from my leisure activities, even if I try to ask if there is food, she becomes violent.”
Ombati displays scars he received from the constant beatings from his wife, who he says beats him for no reason at all.
“She has been doing that and shouting to make it seem like I am the one beating her. Then her brothers come and take her away,” he added.
“At one time, she beat me, and her family took her away. She stayed with them for four years before she came back.”
Ombati narrates how he met his wife through his friend’s wife, who happens to be her relative.
“We became friends, and later we got married, and we have been blessed with two children,” he said.
Hell broke loose shortly after the birth of their first child. That is when she started displaying her true, violent character.
“I was shocked that my wife would hit me with anything or slap me like a child. But because I loved her and we had a child together, I decided to endure it,” he said.
Violence and gender-based violence occur when violence is directed at someone because of that person’s gender or another characteristic.
According to Ombati, his marriage has not been enjoyable and has led to his depression.
He claims that she takes advantage of him when he is drunk and unable to defend himself or run away.
“Ukimwuliza kitu ananiambia, ‘Wewe unatohsa kuwa mwanaume kweli? Hakuna kitu utaniambia,’” he said in Swahili. (If you ask her something, she tells me, ‘Do you really deserve to be a man? There is nothing you will tell me.’)
When they argue, he says, that is when she starts to beat him and sometimes even when he is able to defend himself, he will not hit her back because he may hurt her.
“I decide to just keep quiet like that. Even my friends who have witnessed the violence have been very offended,” he said. “She is always obsessed with issues; even when I am at home, she always picks issues and suddenly slaps me before my friends.”
He says the violence he faces in his family has become like a game that is played from time to time, and it is as if she enjoys it.
According to African culture, a man who has been beaten or abused by his wife or any other woman should not join other men in meetings. This makes many men stay silent and hide the injustice against them.
“There are times when others say to me, ‘What will you tell us if you are beaten by a woman?’” Ombati regrets.
Ombati confirms that some of his friends also undergo similar experiences at their homes, but they have not gone public. He says one was beaten almost to death by his wife when he was drunk.
“There is a friend of mine whose wife beat him until he broke his head and arm and ran away,” he told Tidal Wave News.
“I have reported to the area chief, government administrator, who handled the issue, and peace reigned for some time before hell broke out again,” he said.
That prompted the chief to send her away because he would not tolerate that in his area of jurisdiction. She left for some time, and I forgave her because of my children.
Ombati says that his friends are aware of the injustices he is undergoing because she assaults him in front of them when they visit him.
“This has scared most of my friends from visiting me because they fear that my wife may turn to them too,” he observed.
Women cite lack of communication, alcoholism, and unfaithfulness as the main factors that contribute to many men getting abused and assaulted at home.
They also claim that another factor is the irresponsibility of men who do not provide for their wives and demand food that they do not buy.
Susan Kwamboka, a marriage counselor who resides in Kisii’s Nyanchwa, agrees that lack of communication has majorly contributed to the violence against men in families, in addition to alcoholism.
“If there is improved communication between the husband and wife, the problem would easily be solved without resorting to violence,” she advised.
She also noted that many women have now started turning their children against their fathers and depicting them as irresponsible and unloving fathers who do not deserve to be their fathers.
“This will affect many fathers when they get old because their children will discriminate against them and leave them to suffer as their mothers enjoy love and care from their children. This is very dangerous,” she warned.
Many marriage experts say that women are often depicted as the only victims of domestic violence, but in recent days, cases involving men have been reported to be increasing in society.
Ombiro Oseko, a human rights activist based in Kisii, says that many factors contribute to violence against men, including alcoholism.
He further states that if a man comes home drunk and demands food, demands meat, and maybe he did not buy it, there is a likelihood of being attacked by the wife because he did not provide.
“But you often find the elders do not come out to say that we are really being beaten. But the truth is that gender-based violence these days harms the elderly more than even mothers.”
“The unfortunate thing is that many men do not come out and say it openly and report the cases to the authorities,” he said.
He added, “Many times, we have had a very big challenge: when they go to report to the police station that they have been beaten, the police officers always laugh at them. ‘How can you be beaten by a wife?’”
In that moment, Mr. Oseko says, men become afraid to go to the police to report that they have been assaulted by their wives.
“But we are trying to sensitize the police officers to understand that violence is violence. That they should help them file reports as they are, without distorting them,” he urged the officers.
He warns that if police do not help men when they seek their help, they end up committing suicide due to depression.
Statistics from the National Crime Research Centre (NCRC) show that rates of sexual violence or abuse for women are 38 percent against 21 percent for men. However, the number of incidents of violence against men has continued to increase while society remains silent.
Mr. Oseko says that it is good for abused men to be motivated and come forward to receive help.
“We call upon the police officers to be compassionate to men who come to report violence against them, investigate, and prosecute the perpetrators,” he advised.
He, however, observed that many police officers have become perpetrators; they are the ones who are heavily involved in breaking the law in favor of women.
“Three men out of ten are beaten; this is a fact. The problem is that they have not come out to say that we are really being beaten. There is a culture where men are not beaten; they are the ones who hit, so it becomes difficult to reverse that and start saying that I am the one who is being hit,” said Oseko.
On his part, Ombati blames the constitution, which he says is one-sided, favoring women and making it hard for men to get justice.
“If I go to report that my wife has beaten me, I may end up getting jailed, yet I am the victim of gender-based violence. They tend to trust women as opposed to men,” he said with a sad face.
He, however, advises young men who get beaten by their wives not to fight them because if they report them to the police, they will get imprisoned, or worse still, end up killing their wives and rotting in jail.
“Never fight women lest you find yourself behind bars for killing her or hurting her, yet you could have avoided that,” he warned men.
He also asked women to respect their husbands and allow mediation to take place to avoid affecting their young children mentally or breaking their marriage.
“Those who have the courage to speak out do so mainly to family members and clerics rather than administrators or police who were seen to treat such cases casually,” Mr. Oseko concluded.
